you’re not the kindest one in the room

If you identify as a people pleaser, how does it REALLY feel for you in your relationships?

Maybe…

Like you’re sprinting on a treadmill you can’t figure out how to turn off?

Like you’re squeezing juice from a dried up orange (and you are the orange)?

Like you’re tap dancing on top of a house of cards and praying a breeze doesn’t come blowing through?

Like you’re walking over hot coals while trying to keep a smile on your face?

Like you’re tip-toeing on egg shells terrified one will crack?

Like you’re an actor staring in a movie scene, faking your personality in your very real life?

Like you’re showering everyone around you with the perfect kind words, the most generous helpful hands, and saint-like unconditional presence while resentment, overwhelm, and anxiety slowly grow inside you?

Truly… I’d love to hear which one resonates the most with you! Or if you’ve got a different way to describe how it feels, I’d love to hear you put the feelings into your own words.

Here are a few things we must understand about people-pleasing if we want to experience our relationships differently…

🥺 It’s a coping mechanism developed for self-protection/preservation (what are you trying to protect yourself from experiencing? The pain of rejection/abandonment?)

🤯 It’s a form of perfectionism (You always trying to say the perfect words, show up in the perfect way, make sure everyone feels perfectly happy…)

🫣 It doesn’t mean you’re more kind or caring than everyone else in the room. It’s actually a controlling and even manipulative way to be in relationships (I say this with SO much compassion for the part of you that’s trying to self-protect, but what usually happens is that we try to self-protect by CONTROLLING how people perceive us in relationships through always saying/doing/being perfectly pleasing)

In an effort to push the pain of rejection/abandonment DEEP DOWN where you never ever have to experience it again, you create a new kind of pain.

We hide our true (imperfect) selves to avoid rejection but then end up feeling like nobody knows us, sees us, or truly loves us. The pain of disconnection, resentment, and loneliness!

We are so hypervigilant about avoiding pain, but it ends up running our lives.

Does this feel true for you?

If so, I want to offer you necessary mindset shift 👇

Instead of, “If people saw the real, imperfect me… they would reject/abandon me.”

Try, “The only way to learn how to navigate the moments of conflict that naturally arise in relationships between beautifully imperfect humans (including processing moments of rejection in healthy ways) is to develop the skills necessary to do just that. The only way to develop those skills is by practicing interacting as the real me. Allowing people to see the real, imperfect me is the only way I’ll ever experience the real connection I’m deeply craving.”

As someone who people-pleased for the majority of my life, I share this with all the compassion, love, and understanding in the world.

And, I share it because you deserve to drop the act, step off the hot coals, and release the resentment.

Perfection is a prison and I want to hand you a key 🗝️

xo, Sim

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