Are you feeling like a failure because you’ve gained weight since you started intuitive eating?

If so, you’re not alone.

One of the most common frustrations women share with me is that they believe their bodies should be smaller because at a time in their past they weighed less than they do now.

The fact that they physically can be smaller means that being smaller is what they should be.

Our bodies are made to change and do change size and shape for a number of reasons over the course of life.

I want to share one of those reasons with you today.

If you stop restricting, start eating intuitively, and experience some weight gain, the change in your body shape / size might be because the restrictive behaviors you were previously engaged in were keeping your body below her natural size.

I know our society likes to tell us that weighing less means being healthier and that skinnier means better…

But those blanket statements simply aren’t true.

Your healthy size will never require you to do unhealthy things to maintain it.

I want to share something with you, so that you know that you’re not alone:

I weigh more today than I did when I was restricting my food and over exercising.

Yes, there were hard moments where I had to mourn a pair of jeans I’d never wear again or where I had to get used to seeing less bone and more softness in my reflection in the mirror.

But, the discomfort of the change didn’t mean the change was wrong.

The weight gain wasn’t what needed to be different. My mindset around what ‘healthy’ meant did.

If you’ve been restricting food and / or over exercising and you’re finally choosing to make peace with food, find joy in movement, and embrace kindness toward your body, you might be experiencing similar body changes.

Any discomfort you’re feeling around those body changes doesn’t make those changes inherently wrong.

Gaining weight isn’t inherently bad.

If you’re letting go of restriction and overexercising and re-learning how to listen to your body, I just wanted to encourage you today.

Your body is super smart and she knows what she’s doing.

On Friday night, I had a 7PM reservation to meet some girlfriends for dinner. The plan was margaritas, chips with guac, my favorite tacos in town, and great company.

Around 5:45 PM, I felt myself getting hungry.

Before intuitive eating I never would have let myself eat an hour before a dinner reservation. I would have told myself… Just wait! You’re going to dinner soon and you should save the calories!

‘Save the calories’ was a dieting lie I believed for a long time.

I’d have gone to the restaurant famished.

Found myself elbows deep in the bottomless chips, unable to hear anything but the chewing crunch in my ears and unable to think about anything but how quickly I could shovel guacamole into my mouth.

I’d have definitely left dinner feeling like a failure, out of control around food, and that I couldn’t be trusted with chips.

‘NO MORE CHIPS, SIMI! ONLY KALE! YOU NEVER OVEREAT KALE!!!!!’

Ever happened to you, too? If so, I get it and I’m here for you.

Practicing intuitive eating has taught me that when my body is hungry, I can trust that hunger and honor it.

So, at 5:45 PM on Friday night I made myself a snack and enjoyed every bite.

Sure, I ate a snack and I wasn’t quite as hungry at dinner.

But, I was able to enjoy the company and the food a heck of a lot more because I didn’t go into dinner ravenous, distracted, and feeling out of control around food.

There are NO rules about how close to a meal you’re allowed to enjoy a snack.

The idea that it’s beneficial to ‘save the calories’ is one of so many harmful diet lies we’ve been led to believe.

When your body feels hungry, you can trust that hunger and honor it.

All the diet lies (like, ‘save your calories!!!’) can make it hard to remember this truth.

Chips and guacamole aren’t the problem… the lie that you need to starve yourself earlier in the day to earn and enjoy them is. 

I hope you had an awesome weekend.

From the Letting Go Of Leo book launch party Friday night, to a comedy show (and epic burger) on Saturday, and a Facebook live on Sunday, I haven’t had so much fun in a single weekend in a long time! ​

Back in the day, this kind of weekend would have felt way less fun and way more stressful. Parties, events, decadent food, and being on camera would have all made me feel super self-conscious in the past. I would have been picking apart how I looked, comparing my body to other women in the room, hyper-analyzing my outfit choices, and close-up to the mirror examining my skin to see if I was “good enough” to enjoy each of the experiences. I would have spent a lot of my mental energy wishing I looked differently, beating myself up for not being perfect, and plotting how to “fix” it all. I would have DREAMED of waking up one day as the kind of women who felt confident enough to enjoy it all (rather than wish it all away).

It is possible to wake up and feel confident enough to enjoy a weekend of parties, decadent food, and being on camera. But, it doesn’t happen by doing what I used to do:

• ​picking apart how I looked,
• comparing my body to other women in the room,
• hyper-analyzing my outfit choices,
• close-up to the mirror examining my skin to see if I was “good enough” to enjoy each of the experiences,
• spending mental energy wishing I looked differently,
• beating myself up for not being perfect, and
• plotting how to “fix” it all.​

If you want to feel more confident in your body today, try looking at it less and living life in it more.

Get out there and go for a walk, hug a friend, really taste your food, savor your coffee, dance to 90’s music in your kitchen, take a deep breath.

Then say “thanks” because your awesome body is making all that possible​!

I hope your week is off to a good start! I am in full on vacation countdown mode… only 3 days until my family heads to the beach for two weeks! We will be celebrating Christmas and ringing in the new year together in the sun. I can’t wait!

The weight loss noise is raging loud and clear right now with new year’s day just around the corner but I am choosing not to diet or try to lose weight before this vacation.

I spent way to many years trying to manipulate my body before vacations (or any special event for that matter). I’d see the trip on my calendar and instantly start to panic as I counted backwards to figure out how much time I had to get “beach ready” or “vacation ready” or “reunion ready” or whatever. Let me just say this: it never went well. 

I would come up with an eating and exercise plan, try to strictly follow it, feel intense anxiety, and think only about how much weight I had lost (or how much I needed to lose, or what I should eat or shouldn’t eat, or how guilty I should feel because I wasn’t sure the exact measurement of what I just ate, and on and on). I’d basically black out of my real life leading up to the experience because all I had room for in my brain was how to make myself smaller.

All of that “willpower” made me feel frantic. Ultimately, I’d end up eating everything in sight. If I could actually make it to the event or trip without “going off my plan,” it was a free for all once I got there. Truthfully, I barely ever made it to the main event without “cheating” on my plan. These all out binges left me feeling physically uncomfortable (what I would refer to back in the day as my “food hangover”), emotionally uncomfortable (oh the guilt and disappointment in myself were almost too much to bear!), and mentally uncomfortable (the negative self talk was off the charts).

I was all around uncomfortable.

It took me years of this cycle to realize it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth blacking out of my life for weeks because all I could think about was how flat my stomach would look in a bikini. It wasn’t worth the anxiety of food obsession. It wasn’t worth the guilt, shame, and disappointment when I wasn’t “perfect.” It wasn’t worth feeling like crap about myself because “I could’ve been smaller.” It wasn’t worth the exhaustion from the whole cycle. It wasn’t worth feeling sick after I ate anything that wasn’t nailed down.

And, when I saw it was costing me way too much, I decided I was done. And then came what I will lovingly refer to as “UGGGHHHHHH WHAT THE EFF DO I DO NOW??!?!” Stage (or stage 4 below). 

• ​Stage 1 was trying everything I could to make something work for me that didn’t work for me.
• Stage 2 was the little idea that just because it didn’t work for me didn’t mean that I was wrong.
• Stage 3 was realizing that it wasn’t worth what it was costing me.
• Stage 4 was UGGGHHHHHH WHAT THE EFF DO I DO NOW??!?! 
• Stage 5 was starting the work to change.

If you’re at Stage 4, I want to share with you a few of the mindset shifts that helped me do the work to get to a place where I see a vacation on my calendar and I think “I can’t wait to relax on the beach!” rather than “I NEED TO FIX MY BODY BEFORE THIS TRIP!”​

Whether you’re feeling pressure about an upcoming holiday party, taking Christmas card photos, wearing something fancy on New Year’s Eve, a winter getaway, or being a “new you” in the new year, I hope these will help you feel supported:

1. ​Start to think of yourself as a whole being rather than a number on the scale or dress size. You are your heart, your feelings, your thoughts, your dreams, your energy, your presence. You are a being made up of a mind, body, and soul. You physical body is a home for those things, it is not the whole of who you are. This shift really helped me to see how hyper focusing on my physical body and it’s “numbers” were actually causing me to engage in behaviors that were harmful to the rest of myself. When I was honest with myself, it turns out that my behaviors were actually harmful to my physical body, too. Take an inventory of your behaviors in relation to your WHOLE self.
2. Think about a trip or party where you had so much fun. What made it such a wonderful experience? What were you focused on? My guess is that you didn’t spend the entire party or trip admiring your body in the mirror or looking lovingly at the scale the whole time. When I did this exercise with myself, I had to go all the way back to my childhood to find a vacation that felt like pure fun. I was running around on the beach, jumping in waves, napping in hammocks, drinking (virgin) coladas, and laughing a lot. It became clear that fun, at least for me, was less about focusing on myself and more about letting myself fully experience the people and space around me. Notice what fun is for you.
3. Remember that a day is just a day. The day before vacation? Just a day. The day of a big event? Just a day. When you start to look at all days as “just days,” you can stop putting so much pressure on them. Each day is an opportunity to live in your body. Your needs will change day to day, so really all you can know is what you need today. ​I think of each day as a chance to practice kindness for myself, to move in ways that feel good, to eat food that tastes delicious and gives me energy to do what I love, to hug the people I care about, to take adventures, to laugh, to cry, to rest, to stare at twinkle lights for an hour while I drink my coffee, to play in the waves. And, to practice forgiveness if I forget. This commitment to take care of my whole self each “day” as I live in my body helps me stay grounded when the weight loss noise gets loud. Check in with how you can practice living in your body today.

Sending you lots of love this holiday season!

A few weeks ago I was driving in my car and the radio station brought on a morning guest. The guest was a plastic surgeon and she was on to talk about boobs. She ​informed all of us listeners that there were a few easy at home analyses that we could do to determine if we needed (1) a breast lift or (2) a breast implant. Or (in my case apparently) both.

Apparently, if I could hold 1 pencil underneath my boob, then I was a great candidate for a breast lift. Apparently, if the top half of my breast was less full than the bottom half, then I was an ideal candidate for an implant.

Apparently, I need plastic surgery. 

I burst out laughing. Unfortunately I had a mouth full of coffee and that is coffee I will never get back.

I instantly started texting with a friend, telling her about the story and asking her what she thought the plastic surgeon would say about me if I could hold an entire binder underneath my boobs.

If this had been 8 or 10 years ago, I would have felt SO much shame around my body. I would have raced to the internet to find out how much it would cost me to get implants and a lift and started budgeting to fix my body. I wouldn’t have texted a friend, because I would have felt too embarrassed about my body that was apparently in need of medical attention. But this is the kind of culture we live in. A culture that creates shame around certain bodies (normal, natural bodies). That shame silences people from saying “this is what it’s like for me… you too?” and makes these same people feel like they MUST change or fix what very well could be normal and natural for them.

I think talking about the things that we all experience — the normal and natural things — whether it is boobs or emotions or fear is essential. It’s essential for us to feel at home in our own skin. It’s essential for us to feel connected to one another. It’s essential for us to cope in healthy, constructive ways in real life. It’s essential for us to feel accepted for who we are — not only by others but, most importantly, by ourselves.

If getting a breast lift is an empowered choice that you want to make in your own life, that is 100% great. If it’s not for you, great, too. If it’s not right for you today but is in 10 years, awesome. I just want you to know that if your body looks different than some airbrushed cultural “ideal” or than it did when you were 12 years old, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Boob job or no boob job, you’re worthy of love.

Zero pencils under your boobs or a handful of them, you don’t deserve to be shamed or punished for your proportions. 

Removed breasts or perky breasts or saggy breasts or As or DDs or nursing breasts or three breasts or WHATEVER, your body is a real body. Real exists. Perfect doesn’t.

The more we work to accept ourselves, the more we talk about real things (even when they aren’t “perfect”), the more we are true with ourselves and others, the more we will be able to notice the voices that try to take advantage of our normal and natural differences.

This applies outside of the boob context, too. ​

Dieting didn’t work for me but I’m also at a place in my relationship with food where I feel grateful for my years of dieting. Why? Because I learned so much about myself. I needed to go through those years to get to a place where I was ready to define “health” in my own way.

I don’t think people who diet are bad, I don’t think they are wrong, and I don’t even necessarily think they “should stop right now.” We are all doing the best that we can with what we know and believe right now. Someone who is on a diet is learning things about herself that she might need to know. She might not be ready for intuitive eating. I certainly wasn’t ready for it for many many years. And, that’s ok. Because we aren’t all in the same place in our lives or in our relationship with food right now. It’s ok to be in different places.

I will always be 100% open and honest about my personal experiences and struggles with dieting. And, if someone is struggling with food, feels like dieting / restricting isn’t working for her, and she is ready to discover how intuitive eating can, then I am so excited to have that conversation. But, not everyone is at a place where they want to have that conversation. And I am also 100% ok with that, too.

I hope we can all practice kindness and compassion with each other, wherever we are at. And openness to each other especially when we are in different places.

With that said, one of the best things I discovered (thanks to years of struggling with my relationship with food and then finding intuitive eating) is how I want to practice “health” in my life.

To me, practicing “health” means that I am able to show up for my life with joy, gratitude, and presence. This includes showing up in tough moments, in challenging moments, in exciting / crazy moments, in peaceful moments. It includes showing up for myself. It also includes showing up for others, for projects / work, and for commitments.

I like to think about my health as a bell curve.

A line that is down, then rises up, then slopes back down like the outline of a mountain. I consider the top portion of the bell curve (a little down, a little up, then a little down — so room for fluctuation) as where I experience my definition of “health.” With each area of life (socializing, relationships, rest, movement, food, work, travel, etc.), I think of the left side of the bell curve as “way too little for me” and I think of the right side as “way too much for me.”

The one question I ask myself when I am about to make a decision is “will this help me to show up more fully in my life or less fully in my life?” If the answer is “more fully” then I believe it helps me to hang out in the top part of the bell curve. If the answer is “less fully” then I know it will shift me to the left or the right.

Here are a few examples of what this looks like practically for me:

• If I am incredibly sedentary for an extended period of time, without stretching or moving my body in ways that feel good, well it’s “way too little for me.” No movement means I feel disconnected from my body, sore, and stiff. Likewise, if I am overdoing it on exercise, working out multiple hours a day without any regard for how it feels, if I’m having fun, or what else I might be missing because of it, it’s “way too much for me.” I also feel disconnected when I am overdoing it — from my body and the other areas in my life. Both ends of the spectrum keep me from feeling present in my life.
• If I am in my house alone all the time, never going out to meet friends, never getting fresh air, never traveling, well it’s “way too little for me.” I feel disconnected from people, lonely, and bored. Likewise, if I have plans every single night, back to back things scheduled for days on end, and multiple weekends of travel in a row, it feels like “way too much.” I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and anxious. Both ends of the spectrum keep me from feeling present in my life.
• If I go days without eating vegetables, it feels like “way too little for me.” I feel sluggish and my digestion feels off. Likewise, if I force myself to only eat vegetables for days, it feels like “way too much for me.” I feel bored, weak, and preoccupied by cravings for everything but a vegetable. Both ends of the spectrum keep me from feeling present in my life.

I used to live my life all on the left or all on the right, now I hang out most of the time in the middle (notice I said “most of the time” — not “all the time, 100%, foreverandever”). If it’s one of those times where I lean to the left or lean to the right, I don’t beat myself up. I don’t call myself a failure. I don’t guilt myself. I just ask, “what would help you feel a little more present today?” And I try to make that happen.

Remember that you get to define how you practice “health” for yourself. But, if the bell curve image and idea of feeling more present in your life resonates with you, I encourage you to start with one simple question: “will this help me to show up more fully in my life?”

Earlier today I went to a Father’s Day lunch to celebrate Tim and my dad. I ordered an awesome salad (it had potato croutons and bacon… magical) and then split a filet with my dad, too. It was decadent and delicious.

And, while I felt comfortably full when we left the restaurant, I just didn’t feel fully satisfied.

When I got home, I asked “what would help me feel fully satisfied in this moment?” The answer was “that meal was so salty, something sweet will do the trick!” So, I gave myself permission to have something more. Something sweet. I sliced up a super ripe nectarine, grabbed a few squares of dark chocolate with almonds, and enjoyed every single bite.

Afterwards, I felt totally satisfied and was able to enjoy the rest of my afternoon without food thoughts.

The process might sound really simple, but several years ago it would have gone way differently. After that lunch, I would have told myself “you’re full. You’ve had enough food. You don’t need anything else.” I would have then spent my entire afternoon obsessing over food. Craving something more. Walking in and out of the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge and pantry. Ultimately, bingeing on something like leftover Easter candies when I could no longer white-knuckle my way through the “don’t eat, you’re full” anymore. Then, I would have felt guilty and beat myself up for my lack of willpower.

When I traded my self judgement for some genuine curiosity, I found something out about myself: most of the time, feeling full isn’t enough. I also need to feel satisfied!

And, I also found out that I am not alone.

We, humans, are hardwired to seek pleasure! Not just because we like to feel good. But, on a biological level, because it actually helps us to function more optimally.

YES, that’s right — science proves that the more we enjoy our food, the more nutrients we absorb.

Dieting and strict food rules trigger the body’s stress response. This response slows our metabolism, decreases the absorption of nutrients, and hinders digestion.

When our pleasure is down and our stress is up, our bodies don’t function optimally. And, on top of that, our bodies release a chemical response that demands satisfaction (hello end of the day binges when we spend hours trying to tell ourselves fullness is enough or we that we “should” be able to stick with some low calorie, no enjoyment, diet).

On the flip-side, when we allow ourselves to experience pleasure with food and truly feel satisfied, we support our bodies in maximum digestion and absorption of the food we eat, too. The more we enjoy the food we eat, the more nutrients we absorb.

When pleasure is up, so is metabolic power.

Here are the best ways I can describe full v. satisfied as they feel to me:

• Full – experienced in my belly as the result of an amount of food, which feels like the absence of physical hunger signs and the presence of a comfortable amount of food in my stomach
• Satisfied – experienced in my head as the result of the pleasure from the food, where my tastebuds aren’t asking for anything else and I feel relaxed in my brain and peaceful in my thoughts

After years of checking in with myself, here are a few of the patterns I’ve noticed help me to feel satisfied (every body is different, so it is 100% ok if feeling satisfied looks differently for you):

• After a salty or savory meal, having something sweet
• Adding something crunchy to most meals (i.e. I am always throwing crackers onto a salad or super toasted bread along side a bowl of soup)
• Eating high amounts of fat at most meals
• Eating what I call “combo bites” (so not just a single food at once, but a little of this and a little of that together at the same time)
• Responding to season cravings (i.e. I love watermelon, but it doesn’t satisfy me in the winter the way it does in the summer. The same goes for butternut squash soup! Kills it in the satisfaction department come fall, but not so much in mid-July)
• Eating when I am small/medium hungry rather than waiting until I’m ravenous
• Staying hydrated between meals
• After something sweet, not having something savory (I just don’t like savory after sweet, personal preference!)
• Having a good mix of food I make for myself and also food from restaurants
• Slowing down, letting myself really taste food, and chewing each bite well

If you find yourself walking back into the kitchen 100 times after a meal, even if you’re “already full,” I would encourage you to check in with whether you truly feel satisfied! If the answer is “no,” get curious about what might help you to get there.

Yesterday morning, Osh and I were hanging before I started work. I was drinking coffee, he was playing with blocks and we were reading out loud from Kelly Oxford’s When You Find Out The World Is Against You (don’t judge… Osh loves it. He is on the “advanced” reading plan).

At some point, he got really fussy. I started checking the usual suspects. Dirty diaper? Nope. Hungry? Nope. Fever? Nope.

Hmmm.

Fussy turned into explosive crying. He was clearly unhappy, so I tried to think about ways I could “fix” his mood.

I made his stuffed elephant talk. I turned on Grateful Dead. I did my best Lisa Turtle impression, dancing “the sprain.” I tried my best to distract him from his mood, but being a one woman show is exhausting. Also, I’m clearly not a good one woman show because nothing worked.

Where is Amy Schumer when you need her?

I had a moment of panic. HOW DO I FIX THIS?!

And, in that moment, I saw myself. Not in the “oh my gosh, this child is so beautiful and don’t we look so much alike?” way. But in the, “there have been so many moments in my life where I have felt something that wasn’t full of rainbows and unicorns and my default was to try to fix it” way.

When the feelings that were tougher for me to experience, like rejection, failure, and heartbreak, came up for me, I used to be an expert at defaulting to fix it mode (otherwise known as cover it up mode, push it down mode, or run like hell from it mode). Many times I would turn to food, online shopping, or social media just to try to escape the thing that felt uncomfortable to feel in an effort to “fix it.”

But, no matter how many brownies smeared in nut butter I ate, how many blouses and ankle boots I bought, or how many photos of perfectly poured lattes I liked, the feeling was still waiting for me (often magnified thanks to the aforementioned fixing techniques).

I spent a lot of years thinking that uncomfortable feelings meant I was doing something wrong. Like, if I was skinnier or had the perfect job or traveled the world for a year that I would never have to feel anything other than relaxation, excitement, and joy.

I’ve tried to think a lot about when I started to believe that feeling something uncomfortable meant “you need fixed!” rather than “you need felt.” I still can’t quite figure it out. But, what I do remember vividly is the moment I decided to try something new.

At the time, I was working at the law firm and had a very challenging day at the office. One of the partners I worked with had said something very hurtful about me to another one of the partners, who had then told me what she had said. I felt rejected. I felt like a failure. And I felt heartbroken. It was all of my least favorite feelings wrapped up in a bow (but not a pretty bow, more like a bow made of poop. I’m no Martha Stewart, but even I know that NOBODY LIKES A BOW MADE OF POOP!).

I left the office and headed home. When I got there, I realized Tim wasn’t home from work yet. Traditionally, the most binge-triggering time of the day for me was the hour or so after work, when I was feeling exhausted, often struggling with more challenging emotions, and was in the house alone. I went into the kitchen and started rummaging. I went through the cabinets hunting for something that would make me less of a rejected, heartbroken failure. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! I found a bag of pretzels, some cookies, chocolate chips, and a jar of peanut butter. NAILED IT! Extra points because I was confident I could smash all these foods up and eat them together in some sort of sweet-salty combo.

As I took out a mixing bowl, I heard my coach Amy’s voice in my head. She gently said, “if you choose to feel it, you can handle it.”

I decided in that moment to that I would try. After all, those pretzels would still be there in a few minutes, right?

I left all the food on the counter, went up to my bedroom, took off my bra (trust me: it’s so much easier to feel feelings when you can ditch the bra), and got under the covers. It was still light out but I didn’t care. I let all the weight of my head sink into the pillow and I cried my eyes out. I cried so hard. I cried because I had been working so much. I cried because, even if I didn’t want it to, what that partner thought about me did matter to me. I cried because I thought she was my mentor and it turned out she didn’t care about me the way that I thought she had. I cried because I was really unhappy at my job and it pissed me off that I was letting something that made me so unhappy make me even MORE unhappy. I cried because it felt good to cry. I just felt it ALL. Once I got started feeling, it was like I entered the calm eye of the storm. It actually felt so quiet to be in the midst of so many feelings. I just let myself lay there, feeling and crying, for a long time.

The next thing I knew, Tim was waking me up. He was standing over me asking “are you sick? Is everything OK?” I guess somewhere between sobbing like a child and feeling all the feelings, I had fallen asleep.

My eyes were swollen and itchy from all the tears, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that my answer to Tim was “yes!! I am OK!” Just like Amy had promised, I was able to handle it. I was suddenly free to feel those uncomfortable feelings. The best part about feeling it? The release that came after.

Since then, I’ve tried to remember to do less fixing and more feeling.

So, on Monday morning when all of my fixing flopped, I remembered this. I remembered to fix less and feel more.

I looked at Osh in the eyes and said “sometimes we just feel sad and, hey! It’s OK to feel sad.” I gave him a hug, let him cry, and pretty soon he fell asleep (like mother, like son, I guess!), too.

If you’re also trying to fix less and feel more, some my favorite ways to be in the moment with tough feelings are: crying, journaling (often while crying), praying (can be done while crying), walking outside (usually while crying), hot showers (also while crying) and getting a hug from someone I love (100% while crying).