The benefits of an intuitive relationship with movement are pretty awesome. Decreased anxiety, deeper mind-body connection, increased muscle strength, improved body image, better sleep, improved health markers, and more?

Sign me up!

My love for helping you experience a more joyful, intuitive relationship with exercise (and all these awesome benefits along with it) is why I created UNMEASURED.

A great step towards creating an intuitive relationship with movement is to RELEASE THE RULES.

Many people are walking around with a bunch of movement “rules” that were consciously and subconsciously picked up from diet culture messaging. These “rules” are the requirements you’d have to hit to feel like movement “counts.”

Things that commonly come up when clients share these rules with me are:

• Must workout for a certain length of time
• Must exercise in specific ways
• Must move a certain number of days per week
• Must hit a certain heart rate
• Must break a sweat
• Must burn a certain number of calories
• Must feel sore afterward

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Psst… here are some signs that you might be experiencing some of these rules around movement: you have fear or guilt around not working out, even if you’re injured. Your movement is tied to what you eat (i.e., you exercise to “make up for” something you ate), using exercise as a way to control the way your body looks or to try to fix your body. You avoid movement because it feels impossible to keep up with all the things you “should” do.

Now is a great time to check in with the rules or shoulds you’ve picked up about exercise along the way.

Here’s why…

First: Movement rules can keep you from exploring forms of movement that you actually enjoy!

Back in the day, my movement rules kept me from my two current favorite forms of movement: barre and walking (not “intense enough” and didn’t “burn enough calories”).

Anything coming to mind for you that your rules hold you back from enjoying?

Releasing the rules makes more space for enjoyment, which is a central component to an intuitive relationship with movement.

Second: Movement rules can keep you stuck in an all-or-nothing mindset around movement.

Have you ever had the feeling that you need to follow all the rules or… what’s the point? I.E.., If you can’t get to a 60-minute sweaty cardio class, why move at all? Nothing else is good enough!

When you let go of the rules and open up your expectations around movement, you can live in what I like to call the ‘nice place in between.’

Movement doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. It doesn’t have to be a sweaty hour or nothing at all. It can be a stroll around the park, a 20-minute barre class with me here, or a dance fest in your kitchen!

Third: Movement rules can trigger guilt + shame!

If you’ve got all these rules that define ‘success’ in terms of movement and then you don’t or can’t follow them perfectly all the time (and honestly… who can?!), how does it make you feel?

Like a failure? And when you feel like you’ve failed, does it bring up guilt? Shame? Feelings of not being good enough?

Do you beat yourself up? Commit to a plan to ‘make up for it’ tomorrow? Google how to have more willpower (FYI, I used to do this ALL. THE. TIME.)? Does it impact your food choices? Influence how you see yourself?

I’ve seen so many situations where the rules have been a catalyst for self-bashing. And, I’ve never seen a situation where it actually ended in someone taking better care of herself.

The thoughts (and then feelings) that not being able to follow movement rules bring up can be devastating!

Lastly: Movement rules are the antithesis of flexibility.

What your body needs at this moment, what your lifestyle allows at this moment, what you’re craving at this moment, what you enjoy at this moment, what you have access to at this moment, what your priorities are at this moment are NOT static.

As humans – we are always changing! An intuitive relationship with movement supports that.

Movement is a way to take care of yourself, which means it’s got to be able to change as your body and life do, too. If you’ve got all these rules around what ‘counts,’ there isn’t much room for flexibility.

Remember: It all counts because in the end, nobody is counting.

What rules, shoulds, pressures, and/or expectations around movement (i.e.. “what counts”) are you currently internalizing or experiencing?

Let me know what comes up for you when you do some rule reflecting + releasing!
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If you’re in the US, it’s Thanksgiving week. Maybe you love this holiday, maybe it’s challenging for you, maybe it’s both and.

Whatever you’re feeling as we head into Thanksgiving (and navigate the holiday season, in general), here are some loving holiday reminders for you:

>> Your body needs energy! Food is such a gift: giving our bodies the energy it needs. I hope this gentle reminder will help you if food feels tough for your right now.

>> Giving thanks — this time of year and always — is a powerful practice. Gratitude has been scientifically proven to decrease anxiety, increase wellbeing, reduce stress, enhance sleep, improve body image, and more. What are you thankful for today? Take a moment to really connect with those heartfelt feelings of appreciation and gratitude.

>> Consider this your permission slip to experience pleasure. How can you prioritize your pleasure this holiday season? What would taste good? Feel good? What would support you to really enjoy the moments? Sometimes a small shift in mindset or perspective can make all the difference.

>> Don’t forget to check-in with what you need! Perhaps you’re traveling or hosting this year. Maybe the calendar feels wild with school schedules, work schedules, holiday gatherings, and more. It’s easy to get swept up in it all and forget to ground into yourself: what do you need more or less of?

If you’re craving some celebratory movement that can go anywhere with you + flexibly fit into the holiday season, I’ve got you covered:

You can Grab your UNMEASURED 7-day free trial here !

Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving, if you’re celebrating this week! I’m grateful everyday for the opportunity to connect with you here.

Over on IG, I’ve been doing a morning story series called “Coffee In The Car Chat.” I even sing my own theme song (I’m sorry, and you’re welcome).

Most morning this month, I’m sharing what I hope will feel supportive to you during the final month of 2021 and the transition into the new year.

A whole new year? That’s a big transition! I think big transitions deserve big intention.

I’ve been saving them all to my IG story highlights, which you can watch here anytime.

Today, I want to share one of the messages here with you:

So many of us have developed a hypervigilant approach to navigating our lives. Hypervigilance can present in many ways, including people-pleasing, perfection, and constant worrying that people are mad at you.

I would know because witnessing, comforting, and healing the part of myself that feels the need to be hypervigilant is something I’ve worked diligently on within myself over the past decade.

If you experience a version of this, then today’s message is for you.

As you think about the intentions (or goals or resolutions, whatever word resonates with you) you may want to set in the new year:

Be conscious of the moments when you’re so focused on outrunning what you’re afraid might happen that you miss out on enjoying + appreciating the very real things that already are.

Sometimes the most powerful intention you can set is to choose to be here now. The small micro moments of shifting from fear to love can really add up.

Months ago, I started a new weekday morning routine.

I wake up at 5 am, make coffee, and do an UNMEASURED barre class. With the colder weather, a fire in the fireplace has also become part of this little pre-sunrise ritual.

This consistent practice was born from a true need and also a deep desire for solo time before the day turns “on.”

Like yours, my days are full. They are full of holding space for others, like my kids and my clients. They are full of connecting with people on social media, my husband, friends, and family. They are full of making snack plates and folding laundry and coordinating schedules and wondering how that room I just picked up is somehow not picked up five minutes later. They are full of creating content and crafting responses and dreaming + planning for what’s next while also trying to be here now.

I both needed and desired something that was for me before replying to those texts, before comforting that tantrum, before answering those questions, before writing that post.

I needed + desired a chance to hold space for myself, to connect with myself, to create trust with myself, to be here now with myself before the rest of the world. It’s been so nourishing.

And, I’m also reminded of a time — in what feels almost like a past life — where I’d set my alarm early to move my body that felt differently. A time when it felt punishing, obsessive and rigid.

So, what’s different now?

What makes consistency shift from being obsessive + rigid to supportive + nourishing?

You can experience consistency without rigidity! Here’s how…

First, start with your intention

What is your intention for this consistent practice? Is it to nourish yourself? To care for yourself? To act lovingly toward yourself?

Or is the intention based in control, manipulation, “fixing” yourself, perfectionism, or to prove your enoughness?

Consistency without rigidity is rooted in connection, not control.

Second, make it flexible!

Change is an inevitable part of the human experience. We aren’t robots, and we can’t expect ourselves to operate within a robotic schedule. Embracing flexibility within a consistent practice is essential for releasing rigidity.

There are absolutely days when I do not get up at 5 am (like yesterday, for example) or when I do get up at 5 am but choose to do something other than taking a barre class.

The next tip will help you to navigate the flexibility within your routine!

Third, trade judgment for curiosity

Curiosity is one of the greatest pathways to connection. So how do you connect with what you need? By asking! And then listening to the wisdom that follows.

Rather than judging yourself, be curious. What do you need more or less of? What’s going well? What’s no longer working? Where are you feeling resentful? How do you want to feel?

These are all questions I ask myself regularly, and they help me navigate flexibly within my morning routine.

Last, practice self-compassion

​I’ve got an entire post on self-compassion here.

Self-compassion will renew your experience with consistency, as it will with most experiences in life.

Where are you craving some nourishing consistency in your life?

It’s no secret that you’re a multidimensional human.

It would be impossible to put you into a single box, describe you in a single word, or expect you to be the same forever. Heck, it would be impossible to expect you to be the same every hour for a single day!

I want you to hold this truth central as we talk about self-compassion today.

A few weeks ago, I shared that one of the most essential practices in the past decade of my life has been (and continues to be) self-compassion. Without a doubt, it has changed how I relate to myself and experience the world.

Self-compassion is the “what.”

Today, I want to go deeper into that with you and talk about the “how.”

Because, if you’re like the hundreds of women who I’ve worked with over the years, I know self-compassion can feel fake, uncomfortable, or awkward.

It did for me, too, until I developed this simple way of envisioning the voice of self-compassion that I’m about to share with you today. A way of visualizing my inner dialogue that has made self-compassion feel more authentic and natural.

You’re a multidimensional, so naturally your inner dialogue is multidimensional, too.

To start, I’d love you to imagine three unique, distinct inner voices:

1. The inner child
2. The inner critic (aka your inner mean girl)
3. The inner mother (aka the voice of self compassion)

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Every single one of these voices is part of you.

Every single one of these voices desires to be heard and validated.

Every single one of these voices is fueled by a positive intention. Yes, even your inner critic!

Typically your inner critic or “mean girl” developed early on in your life out of some form of self protection. That voice inside you started speaking to you in this critical way for a “really good reason.”

Some common “really good reasons” that our inner dialogue turns critical include:

• An attempt to protect you from the experience of failure
• A deep desire to belong / fit in
• Deterring you from trying new things because the risks feel unknown + scary
• Pushing you towards perfection, because there is an internalized belief that it will help you to be safe, loved, accepted
• Self-criticism so that external criticism doesn’t feel as painful since you’ve already experienced it from yourself first
• An effort to “push” you to be enough (so you can feel safe, loved, accepted)

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Practicing self compassion is NOT about shutting down your inner mean girl. Rather than trying to silence your inner critic, I’d love you to connect with her.

This part of you that is being so hurtful is trying to protect another part of you who has experienced hurt — your inner child.

She may be afraid of rejection or failure. She may feel unloved or unappreciated. She may have felt silenced or ignored in the past. She may have been criticized or made fun of.

Even your sometimes mean and nasty inner critic has a positive intention. This is not to say that it doesn’t cause you harm or isn’t holding you back or keeping you stuck in negative patterns, of course. I would never want to minimize that. But your inner critic is a part of you that DEEPLY desires to feel seen and heard. Simply trying to “reframe” it away or silence it will not change the internal dialogue.

Instead, can you be here with her?

If your inner child was hurt or wounded in some way (as most all of us have experienced), the inner critic can develop in response to those experiences. That part of you that is hurting you with judgmental and punishing words is acting from a place of self protection.

What is she afraid you might lose? What is she trying to protect you from? What is most important to her? What does she need to feel safe? What does she deeply desire? What is the “really good reason” or the “positive intention” behind the fear, judgment, criticism, comparison, guilt, shame, blame?

Connecting with your inner child (your sense of self that developed during childhood) can also help you to connect with your inner critic. Because understanding what hurt(s) your inner child can help you to understand what your inner critic is working so hard to try to protect you from.

Now, it’s time for self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the act of offering yourself kindness and understanding.

Dr. Kristen Neff (the leading self-compassion expert) describes self-compassion as having three main elements:

1. Self kindness (in place of self judgment): accepts the reality that you cannot be perfect and offers yourself warmth and gentleness in a tough or challenging moment
2. Common humanity (rather than isolation): understanding that suffering is part of the shared human experience and you’re not alone in what you’re going through
3. Mindfulness (instead of over-identification): acknowledges how you feel and what you’re experiencing without letting it define you

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Self-compassion allows you to accept, acknowledge, and honor your humanness; to care for and comfort yourself when you need it; and to grow in meaningful ways… not because you are lacking or are not already enough, but from a place of deep self-acceptance and love.

The benefits of self-compassion are HUGE, including (but not limited to) decreased stress, increased inner strength + resilience, more happiness, greater overall feelings of wellbeing, connection to wisdom (hey there, intuition!), and increased ability to learn new things and experience growth.

Think about her as the voice of your inner mother. The wise part of you who can hold space for the inner critic’s fear and the inner child’s hurt and can offer you understanding, connection, and kindness in a challenging moment. That voice inside that whispers,

“You’re not alone. I know this is hard. I’m here to help you get through it.”

How much different does self-compassion feel for you now?

If you’ve read Letting Go of Leo or heard me share my story on a podcast over the years, then you know that my honeymoon was a really significant moment for me in my relationship with myself.

It was my rock-bottom-break-down-to-break-through moment that set me on a trajectory of healing my relationship with me. Not only would I not be doing the work I’m so grateful I get to do here with you all, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for that.

As the story goes, a tearful confession to Tim about how I felt inside led me to work with a health coach, get back into therapy, and ultimately let go of who I believed I should be so I could discover who I truly am.
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The lesser told story is all the shame, guilt, and grief I had to process over the moments in my life where I was so fixated with running more miles or eating less calories or hitting a certain number on the scale. The people I snapped at because I was so stressed from it all, the moments I was there but wasn’t really there, the ways I hid away from the people closest to me. Part of the healing is processing all these feelings. Part of the healing is self forgiveness. And, part of the healing is knowing that YOU STILL CAN.
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The honeymoon you spent obsessing over calories + miles? YOU STILL CAN have a love-filled trip where you soak up every moment.
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Whatever it is that disordered eating or obsessive exercise or body hatred or perfectionism or whatever coping mechanisms you’ve developed have distracted you from? YOU STILL CAN have those experiences in the future.
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For me, Miami was a moment of full circle, deep down in my soul healing. The biggest offering of forgiveness to myself and the full acceptance of it. A moment where I knew that there’s no need to focus on what I missed before because I’m fully free to LIVE what’s happening now.
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You still can ✨
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​Today, I’m sharing three practices that have been essential for me this past decade.

I’ve been consistent (not perfect) with these practices daily. The way they look has changed over the years — as I have. They truly made the growth and healing I’ve experienced over the last decade possible.

Psst… I have no doubt they’ll be transformative for you, too.

First, self-compassion

Self-compassion is the act of offering yourself kindness and understanding. Dr. Kristen Neff (the leading self-compassion expert) describes self-compassion as having three main elements:

1. Self kindness (in place of self judgment): accepts the reality that you cannot be perfect and offers yourself warmth and gentleness in a tough or challenging moment
2. Common humanity (rather than isolation): understanding that suffering is part of the shared human experience and you’re not alone in what you’re going through
3. Mindfulness (instead of over-identification): acknowledges how you feel and what you’re experiencing without letting it define you

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Self-compassion allows you to accept, acknowledge, and honor your humanness; to care for and comfort yourself when you need it; and to grow in meaningful ways… not because you are lacking or are not already enough, but from a place of deep self-acceptance and love.

The benefits of self-compassion are HUGE, including (but not limited to) decreased stress, increased inner strength + resilience, more happiness, greater overall feelings of wellbeing, connection to wisdom (hey there, intuition!), and increased ability to learn new things and experience growth.

Easier said than done, right? Next week’s email will be ALL about shifting your inner dialogue from constant self criticism into epic self compassion. (I’ve got you!)

Second, intuitive eating (including the “joyful movement” principle).

Learning how to recognize and tune out of diet culture so I could learn how to tune into my inner wisdom when it comes to food + movement?

LIFE. CHANGING.

If you’re new to intuitive eating + movement, I can’t recommend reading the revolutionary book that started it all: Intuitive Eating.

Lastly, pleasure!

Can I let you in on a little secret? A decade ago, “pleasure” wasn’t really in my vocabulary. I wanted to follow the rules. Check all the boxes. Control my way to perfection. There wasn’t time for fun. There wasn’t space for play. There wasn’t a point in pleasure.

Or so I thought.

At the age of 25, I literally had to start learning what I even liked! I DIDN’T KNOW!

I made a commitment to myself to practice pleasure back then and it’s been a daily practice since. It started with learning what made my taste buds happy and it was an awesome cascade effect from there. Slowly but surely, more laughter, play, spontaneity, and magic crept back into my life.

Don’t overlook pleasure! It can be a truly incredible healer.

Now, I’d love to hear from you if you’re open to sharing!

Where do you need to hear “you still can” the most in your life today? Which of these practices feels most important to you as you get closer to experiencing it?

Have you ever felt like a book was talking to you? You can’t technically hear it saying words but somehow you have a feeling it’s calling you to open it up and give it a read?

Our house is an old craftsman style home. The upstairs is this cozy little nook with slanted ceilings and more than a hundred years of charm. It’s way too hot in the summer and way too cold in the winter, just list a charming old house is meant to be. A space of many uses, our nook is the play room, occassional guest room, and was also where we had the nursery for both of our babies.

It’s also the library.

At the top of the stairs is a ledge where Tim and I keep our favorite books. Recently, one of those books started “talking” to me.

For the past few months, every time we’ve headed upstairs to play tea party, rocket ship, or dinosaurs, I’ve felt Sue Monk Kidd’s The Book of Longings asking me to pick her up. To read her again.

I could feel she had something to tell me.

After this happened a few times, I finally brought the book down and set it next to my bed. Each morning and night, I’d feel the book, “Read me! There’s something in here you need to hear.”

I kept resisting in favor of phone scrolling, TV watching, and late night work sessions. Until this past Saturday. When I unhooked my eyes from all the screens and cracked open The Book of Longings to read for the second time.

Isn’t it so magical how you can read the same words in a book, hear the same song, or watch the same movie at two different times in your life and deeply connect to something entirely new the second time? People always say, “you never forget your first” but dang… sometimes the second is pretty amazing! I love when this happens.

It didn’t take me very long to stumble upon something that rocked my world.

A few pages into the book, 14-year old Ana is gifted a prayer bowl from her aunt Yaltha.

Yaltha instructs, “You must write your prayer in the bowl…But take care what you ask for, for you shall surely receive it.”

WHOA. Read it again (I know I needed to).

Take care what you ask for, for you shall surely receive it.

If you knew you’d surely receive it… what would you ask for?

I’ve been asking myself this since I read that line in the book. I’m still not sure exactly how to answer this question! But I’m so grateful to be asking it.

In only a few days, the depth of the question has helped me to…

>>> Release so many “wishes” from a place of uninformed comparison (i.e. I wish I had what she has… I wish that was me).

If I knew I’d surely get it, is that actually what I’d ask for? It’s been powerful to question as I scroll through IG and notice the thoughts that pop up in my mind. I don’t personally believe that thinking “I wish I had that” means I’ll get it, but I do (1) believe that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings impact how we show up for and experience our life; and (2) believe in the power of prayer.

What is the cost to my life, my purpose, my soul if I’m constantly longing for things that I don’t truly even desire? I’m glad I’m being curious with this.>>> Dig deep down into my soul to ask… what do I truly long for?

This question feels so different to me when I think about actually receiving. I want to live life with hope, trust, and faith: Aligning my longings with that feels incredibly meaningful.

Suddenly, I’m connected back to myself. My life, purpose, soul.

It’s been a most lovely and unexpected shift. One that I didn’t even know I needed to experience.

I can’t wait to continue reading, to see what else is in the pages ahead for me this second time around.

Perhaps most importantly, I can’t wait to keep asking myself this question:

What would you pray for if you knew that you’d surely receive it?

Hit reply if you’d like to share what’s on your heart today.

Ten years ago, I didn’t have social media.

But do you know what I did have? BLOGS. I had A deep love affair with blogs.

Each morning, after a quick check of my work email to make sure there were no emergent fires to be extinguished, it was blog time.

One of the blogs I read was a mom of three kids who lived in Texas. Her blog was a mix of day-in-the-life recaps, crafts, and recipes. Now, I never made a single one of the recipes she posted. I definitely never did a craft. And to be honest, I didn’t even know if / when I wanted to become a mom at the time. But, I couldn’t get enough of her blog. i looked forward to the posts every day.

I think it was her energy. You could just feel how much she loved her life and how intentional she was with the way she lived it. It inspired me.

As I think back to her posts, I’ll always remember how she’d wake up at 4:30 AM in the morning to have coffee and quiet time. I remember thinking, “WHAT THE LITERAL HELL?” I couldn’t imagine why someone would voluntarily wake up that early.

Until a few months ago, when I started setting my alarm for 5 AM. Only instead of thinking, WHAT THE LITERAL HELL?, most days I actually like it.

Inspired by my friend Paige’s Miracle Mom Morning, I knew that I needed a little time at the start of the day to take care of myself before it was time to take care of the other people in my life. I needed time to wake up, to connect inward, and to get clear for the day before my kids were calling “mama” or my email was dinging non-stop.

With the start of the school year and so many changes to routine (which I wrote about here), I decided now was the time to start waking up earlier for some solo time. Since then, most weekdays I’ve woken up at 5 AM for an hour or so (sometimes less, my kids get up earrrrrly) to myself.

It’s been awesome (well except that first minute when my alarm goes off and I want nothing more than to stay in bed forever and ever, amen).

I usually do an UNMEASURED barre class (you can join me here via the 7-day free trial) before a shower and that first sip of my beloved cup of coffee. It feels amazing to wake up with some gentle movement — my time to dream, pray, listen to music, and set an intention for my day.

And, if I’m craving rest, I take it.

This is exactly what happened last week. Around my period I get so sleepy. Honoring what my body needed, I let myself sleep until my kids woke up rather than setting an alarm.

After a few days, my neck and my back were not feeling great. I had taken for granted an unexpected benefit of my morning movement practice… less aches and pains!

In the middle of most nights, our five year old + our two gigantic dogs find their way into the bed. The upside is that they are excellent snugglers. The downside is that they are also excellent at kicking me in the back.

A couple of days without that gentle morning movement + stretching and I was feeling it!

Natural, normal, and to be expected in life: a single moment with two competing needs.

In those early mornings, my back needed some gentle movement AND I needed the extra sleep.

We can’t be two places at once, so I gave myself permission to prioritize one.

In these moments, it can be easy to guilt, shame, or judge ourselves.

And yet, we have another choice: Self compassion, curiosity, and connection.

I’ve found when we choose the later that the seeds of self-trust are planted.

I could have judged my choice to sleep a little extra when my back started to hurt but instead, I chose compassion for myself in my exhaustion. Curiosity with how I was feeling. Connection to what I needed most.

We always have a choice! Here are a few questions that can help you choose compassion, curiosity, and connection:

What am I learning about myself through this experience?

Was there anything I didn’t realize or was taking for granted that I can now appreciate even more?

Is there something I can forgive myself for or release here that would help me to move forward?

Am I holding myself to impossible standards? If so, how can I practice acceptance for my humanness here?

If my inner critic sounds loud, what is she afraid of? What does she deeply desire?

What does my inner mother (the inner voice of self compassion) want me to know in this moment?

What do I need the most right now? And, what is the most supportive choice for me in this moment (acknowledging there may be multiple positive choices) based on that need?

What could trusting myself look like here?

I was excited to set my alarm for 5 AM again — to get to enjoy my morning barre class, 90s music, inner reflection, and that peaceful first sip of coffee.

But first, I needed a little more sleep.

What do you need most today?

I’ve been talking a lot with clients recently about the tender moments of the intuitive eating journey. There are many!

If you’re in a tender moment right now, I want to share one of the stories (“Taking Up Space”) from Letting Go of Leo: How I Broke Up with Perfection with you today.

Make sure you read to the end, where you’ll find the permission you need most.

And, if you’ve ever wondered why my memoir is called Letting Go of Leo… I promise that this story will clear it all up for you.

Taking Up Space

“What’s the worst thing someone could say about you?” my coach asked me. I could think of way more than one thing. I rattled off my list:

You are a burden.

You are annoying.

You are selfish.

You are mean.

You let me down.

You are needy.

You are a bitch.

I cried on the phone as I shared these with her. Just saying the words, one after the other, was painful to my heart. These are the worst things that someone could say to me.

For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be everything that everyone needed and nothing that they didn’t. I feared people would think those exact thoughts about me, and I desperately strived to be the opposite. I wanted to say everything that people wanted to hear, and nothing that they didn’t. I wanted to say “yes” to every request so that I never had to let anybody down. I didn’t want to need things from people because they might get annoyed with me and leave. I didn’t want to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, or be the wrong thing because they might think I was a bitch, or selfish, or a burden. And then leave.

One of the reasons I loved losing weight was because it made me smaller. The smaller I was, the less space I took up. The less space I took up, the less I would bother people. At least that’s what I believed. Sometimes I dreamed of shrinking down so small that I never had to bother anybody ever again. That sounded less stressful than worrying about being good all the time.

Another reason I loved losing weight is because people told me that I was doing a good job. It made me feel like I was doing something right in the world. The smaller I got, the more people reinforced it. When I would gain weight, people would stop complimenting me. When they weren’t telling me that I was good, I wasn’t sure if I was good anymore.

The absence of the validation felt like the presence of my worst fears: I was bad, I was wrong, and people thought all those horrible things about me.

It took me a long time to realize we live in a culture that values “thin” above anything else a woman can be. As a whole, our culture places thin above health, and promotes it at all costs and in unhealthy ways. It glamorizes eating disorders: prescribing restriction as “balance,” praising weight loss, and shaming fat people. Diet culture is so ingrained in our society that it often goes unnoticed. Over time, it has become sneakier and sneakier. Diets aren’t like they were in the 90s. In the 90s, people were honest about dieting. In the 90s people said, “I am drinking only grapefruit juice or eating only cabbage soup so I can wear smaller jeans.” Now, people say, “I am drinking only grapefruit juice or eating only cabbage soup to cleanse my body and create abundant wellness and live my best life.”

I miss the 90s, where at least people were honest about their diets and Leonardo DiCaprio was my boyfriend (in my mind).

I’ll never forget watching “Romeo and Juliet,” falling more deeply in love with Leonardo DiCaprio after each scene. It was 1996, and at the age of 10, I fell so hard. There was no reasoning with me. I went to school hoping he would randomly walk through the doors to take me on a date. I opened my locker praying there would be a note from him. I dreamed of our future together, frolicking from one awards show to another and making out in the limo in between events. I wrote him letters. I made out with posters of him. My mom even caught me fake interviewing myself once:

“So, what’s it like being Leo’s girlfriend?” I asked myself in my best interviewer’s voice.

“It’s truly magical. We are so in love. He is the love of my life and loves me a lot I think. He’s a good kisser, too.” I responded in my best girlfriend voice.

He was the center of my world.

At that point, my heart had never really been broken, so I was all in. There was nothing holding me back from giving everything I had to Leo. This was the beauty of my first love – it was fearless.

I don’t generally think it’s a good idea to put words in other people’s mouths or thoughts in their minds, but if I had to guess I would say that the level of adoration was not entirely reciprocated.

“IF LOVING HIM IS WRONG I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT! I JUST LOVE HIM! Why can’t you get that, MOM?!” I’d yell hysterically, throwing myself on the living room floor.

When it didn’t work out (shocker), I remember thinking the reason must have been because I was not as skinny as Claire Danes in “Romeo and Juliet.”

That’s what I concluded at the age of 10. It had nothing to do with the fact that we had never met. Or that I was being creepy. Or that my heart was destined for another blonde man in the future named Tim. Nope, none of those reasons. Iknew it was my weight.

And that line of reasoning didn’t end there. I continued to believe that the smaller I was, the better I was. This was a message fed to me over and over again by culture and, later in life, by the comments I did (or did not) receive from people around me.

Smaller was good. Bigger was not.

I wanted to be good.

What I didn’t realize then, or for many years after, was that people will tell us what we should do. What we should say. Who we should be. What we should eat. What values we should have. But that doesn’t mean we have to be those things or say those words or hold those values. We get to choose all of those things for ourselves.

I had to ask myself, Am I just going to live my whole life obsessing about my weight? Am I going to die having spent all my time on earth trying to be skinnier? Trying to make other people happy? Trying not to need anything or not to be annoying or not to say the wrong thing? Is this my purpose? Is this who I am?

No. Surely I am here for more than this. Surely God made me for more than not pissing people off or not taking up too much space. I have a purpose and it is not to be the smallest version of myself.

And because I have chosen who I am (even if it feels scary) and what I will say (even when it feels scary) and what I will value (even when it feels scary), I remind myself each day that I am safe to be me. Each day I remind myself:

I have permission to change. I’m made to change.

I have permission to take up space. I’m made to take up space.

I have permission to need things. I’m made to need things.

I have permission to be me. I’m made to be me. 

We just took a lovely little Labor Day roadtrip to Saugatuck, MI to be with friends and celebrate Osh’s fifth birthday.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I while I love travel (exploring new places or visiting old favorites), I do not love transportation. I passed this not love of transportation onto my kids. LUCKY THEM!

Being in a car ride with them is like looking in a mirror and seeing a reflection of myself with motion sickness.

The drive started like all good drives do: full of excitement, playlists ready to go, and so much to look forward to!

But, about an hour in, the nausea, boredom, and get-me-out-of-my-car-seat-now set in. There were tears, screaming, and at one point Osh told me that I was the “worst at trips” and he was going to “ruin the car.”

A large percentage of parenting is trying not to laugh when your kid says something really serious that sounds like a hilarious joke. I’m not amazing at this part of parenting.

This went on for a while until he got distracted by an episode of Dino Dana on the iPad, dozed off for a 15 minute nap, and played 10,000 games of I Spy.

As we were pulling up to the house in Saugatuck, Osh said, “wow… that actually wasn’t so bad. I’m sorry I yelled at you. It was pretty great, actually! We got to see hawks… and corn… and horses! I love driving in the car.”

Hawks, corn, and horses… oh my!

IF THIS ISN’T A METAPHOR FOR ANY JOURNEY YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.

You’re going to start out full of excitement, (metaphorical or real) playlists ready to go, and so much to look forward to.

And, a little while in, there might be some motion sickness. Some boredom. Some get-me-out-of-my-car-seat-now feelings that come up.

You might also see some hawks, corn, and horses, too.

When you arrive at your destination and you reflect back, the tough parts won’t seem quite as awful and the hawks will seem very cool.

What a cozy reminder as we enter a new season with new journeys ahead.

Fall, to me, has always felt like a beginning.

The crisp air makes me feel alive and like anything is possible. There’s magic in the air, pumpkin in the baked goods, and I absolutely LOVE it.

If fall marks the beginning of a new journey for you — whether to somewhere “out there” or back home to yourself — I hope this story will be your travel companion along the way.