Before the doors to HELD open to the waitlist tomorrow, I want to share something personal with you.
When I was in the deepest parts of my struggle with restrictive eating, binges, overexercising, self hate, perfectionism…
Believing that I needed a different body, better grades, an impressive job, to always say the “right” thing, to always be what everyone needed in every moment…
Desperate to “fix” myself so I could finally be enough…
I kept it all to myself. I pushed it down and hid it away.
I didn’t want anyone to see what I was struggling with.
I didn’t want anyone to really see me.
Do you ever feel like you’re hiding, too?
I hid for so many reasons.
I was embarrassed to let my friends and family see what I was struggling with.
I was afraid of failure.
I was worried that if they noticed, I might actually have to change some of my behaviors and I was scared of change.
I was terrified they’d see me differently.
I was terrified they’d really see me.
So I’d shove it down, stuff it away, try to disconnect + distract.
I was an anxious ball of nervous energy. A ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute that things didn’t go exactly according to plan.
I felt isolated, stuck, and alone.
There was a lot of shame surrounding my inner experiences and I believed that letting others in would only magnify it.
After all, if I felt this awful and I was the only one who knew… how much worse would I feel if other people could hear my thoughts + witness my behavior? If they really knew how I felt?
And, at the root of the shame was this: I believed the problem was ME. I was the problem that needed to be fixed.
Yes, the disordered eating made me feel obsessive + chaotic around food.
Yes, the intense exercise made me feel exhausted + depleted.
Yes, the need to do everything perfectly according to plan made me feel like a prisoner within my own to do list, my own life.
Yes, the hateful inner dialogue made me feel distracted + like garbage.
Yes yes yes.
And, I didn’t want to be found out because I didn’t want people to see how I was “failing” at something I was trying so hard to do (I really was trying so hard).
I didn’t want people to find out before I had perfected myself.
I didn’t want people to see the real me.
Because if someone saw the real me and rejected me, all my fears of being not enough would be realized. Everything I was trying SO hard to avoid would come crashing down on me.
BUT (!!!) what if I could just do more, harder, right and it all finally worked… if it finally fixed me… well then… TA DA! I’d never have to be rejected because I’d be fixed. I’d be lovable. I’d be accepted. I’d be perfect. I’d be enough.
Then I could let people in. Then I could let people really see me. Then I wouldn’t have to hide.
This LIE that I wasn’t enough, that I was a problem to be fixed, that I needed to be “perfect” to be seen kept me hiding. Hiding out of fear of embarrassment, failure, but most importantly out of fear of rejection.
Have anyone else every told you the lie that you’re a problem to be fixed? Have you ever told it to yourself?
Today, what I want to share with you is the truth. The truth is that you are worthy. You are enough. You deserve to be seen.
If you are a living, breathing human than the truth is also:
You have opportunities for growth and healing.
You have + will again experience rejection.
You are guaranteed challenges, hurt, and grief in your life.
And still + always, YOU ARE FULLY ENOUGH exactly as you are.
When we believe the lie that we are problems to be fixed, we create a story around the things above (room for growth, rejection, challenges, etc). Stories that tell us that if we could only fix ourselves we could keep ourselves safe from all of the above.
Fantasy is that “perfection” will save us from hurt.
Reality is that all of the above + more will happen no matter what.
And, when you embrace the truth that you are worthy + enough — totally + fully — you can stop hiding. You can let people in. You can receive support. You can be seen.
When we are hiding from others, we are also hiding from ourselves.
You can allow others to show up for you through it all.
And, most importantly, you can begin to master the tools, skills, and practices to show up for yourself no matter what.
I’d love to help you release perfectionism + deepen self-trust, self-compassion, and self-connection so you can learn to see and show up for who you truly are.
The you that is already + always has been enough.